Have you ever read a book and you feel like you are reading your own personal story?
Well, I did.
After getting my belly full with a healthy breakfast, I jumped in my home-wear and I was ready to rock the day on my couch, reading a book.
OMG, did somebody sneak into my life and wrote a book about it?
It is very inspiring to read a book that discuss human obstacles in a relation to biblical perspectives.
I am talking about the book “From the Inside Out: Forty days to Calvary”, written by Laura Ngaba Tinzoh. This book will keep you wanting to read more and more. I just couldn’t get enough of my “own story” being narrated by somebody else. It is just the right blend of reality and bible teachings that if applied, can transform your life.
Life presents itself with a share of challenges. Laura shares her part of challenges in the book, and how she conquered each one of them. She reminds us that at times, hardships are there for a specific purpose.
I personally feel so much blessed having read this book. I am in love with it. Thank you, Laura, for giving me a deeper meaning, of what fasting is. I have been fasting almost dairy, abstaining myself from all the negativity and working on a beauty that comes from the inside. (Mind you, I don’t mean abstaining from food.)
As a blogger, I have been sharing my own life experiences. Life challenges have given me the opportunity to view life in a different and a better perspective, as well as to think beyond my little world.
At times we try to solve problems relying on our own style of stubbornness, only to find out that we keep failing. Laura takes us through the scriptures and gives us practical examples, on how to rely on God as we face the difficulties. Very inspiring and encouraging!
If you are going through some challenges and you don’t know how face them, this is the right book to read. If you have been desiring to live a life being led by God, this book is highly recommended for you.
Grab yourself a copy: https://amzn.to/2Nrg2Ed
I love you,
yours Grace.
I will just leave this part of my story here and I believe I will inspire you for a moment, if not for the rest of your life.
I am a class seven school dropout and a mother of four pretty kids. I wished life could be different and could have given me a chance to at least get some curriculum qualifications.
I am now thirty-three years young; do I still have the chances of a qualification? We will see at the end of my story.
I was twelve years when everything in my life turned upside down. My mum had gone through a divorce and she couldn’t afford my school fees any longer. For the love of my other four siblings, and I being the first born, my mum asked me if I could drop out of school and go get a job, in order to give her a financial support.
Mummies are human-beings we do trust the most, and as innocent as I was at an age of twelve, I agreed with her. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a messed-up life.
The chances of getting a job in the village we lived in were very slim, so, I relocated to my aunt in a bigger city with wider job opportunities. At an age of thirteen I had my first job as a house helper. “Is this not what you call child abuse today?”
How does it feel to be a teenager? I can’t remember myself going through this stage. It is like I jumped from childhood to adulthood. There was no time to discuss with my mum the changes that we’re happening, with and in my body. I mean, why were these two things on my chest growing bigger and bigger and why did I have to fight with acne? Why was this monthly bleeding at times so painful and messy? “I am sure you can picture it, if you are a woman. ”
My “Whys” went unanswered and by the age of seventeen I was already pregnant with my first kid. There is nothing I knew about parenthood nor womanhood. But I was determined to bare this child. The father of my baby seemed to be supportive and that is what this insecure young girl was longing for.
My gentleman by then decided that we should relocate from the city, to his village. This was miles away from my own village. There I was, pregnant in a strange world and married at seventeen. Moment, I was to adjust in being pregnant, marriage life and learn how to trust my new community.
Unfortunately, things became more difficult and I was in a pit-hole. The man I thought was good enough for me turned to be a beast in a human body. My days were made of struggles for survival and my nights were full of tears and pain. I guess I was too young to understand everything.
Not only was I surrounded with alcoholics but the man I lived with was also an alcoholic. He provided nothing for his family, which was now made of three kids. (Mind you, between the age of seventeen and twenty-two, I had three kids already) Working hard and doing tough jobs were normal for me, because I had started doing them since I was twelve. So, if this was the only issue, I would be okay living with it.
Regardless of what this monster did to me, I still stayed with him. He got mad over things that either didn’t exist or literally made no sense. He could beat me – drunken beatings, of course – and then forced me to sex. That pain was unbearable!
Are children made out of love? If yes, I am so sorry to say that two of my kids were as a result of a violence sex. (Allow me not to go into details now, because there are more disgusting things that I need to explore, but in another chapter)
For me, survival is a gift from God. I still can’t understand why my heart did not strike pumping.
After seven years of not being able to raise a voice, I was able to finally escape, with my seven-month old kid on my back.
Let us together shout out “freedom!”
Oh no, don’t shout it so loud because I even got deeper into my pit-hole. I wish I have the best words to explain my frustrations. I was so waiting to embrace my family again, after seven years of separation. A shock hit me when I saw my mum. She was no longer the woman I knew. My mum had turned to be a ‘hazardous drinker’ and exchanged men now and then.
I would have liked to have a direct explanation from God why my life was so a disaster. There was no a welcome-back home hug from a caring mother. Instead, she saw me and my baby as a problem, since she was going to provide for two more people in the family.
You see, I had escaped alive from a drunkard community with the hopes of a new beginning. But there I was, in an unsafe and insecure compound again.
If there is a time I thought that God was not real, it was that time.
This is how I even fell to the deepest corner of my pit-hole: I am now twenty-two years of age. I left my village to go and look for green pastures in the same city, that I had met the man who abused me for seven good years. I didn’t have another choice but to leave my baby with my every day drunkard mum.
To make the long story short, I met a good family, which offered me the chance to live with them as I helped them with some housework, and they paid me thirty Euros a month. This was a damn good deal for me. At least I could send mum money for the care of my baby.
In the meantime, I had made some friends and we would hook up over the weekends. Their life seemed to be so easy and enjoyable. I wished I could have such a life. Money was not a problem for them.
I once gathered the courage to ask them what they did, to have such a beautiful life. “My friends” were honest enough to show me how, and the kind of job they were doing. So, I was introduced to a new job.
Now I had to make a choice. A pay of thirty Euros in a month or thirty Euros in a night? Although I am a class seven-drop out, this was a simple mathematic. I resigned my monthly job and engaged myself into prostitution.
Was life now giving me a cupcake??
Of course, no, this was the dirtiest and the hardest job I ever did. I was again in the hands of uncaring men with a lot of mistreatments, forced sex for money, pain and harassments, sometimes even without a pay.
….to be continued….
Please don’t pity me. Whatever happened has happened. Right now, I am out of a pit-hole, under the shelter of God and a loving caring man on my side. Every struggle and pain that I have gone through has made my heart stronger.
This is my wish from you: please help me to pray, help me to learn how to completely forgive. I feel I still have issues with forgiveness. Also help me to pray for my mum – who is today as I write my story, – sited in the jail. Include my siblings in your prayers. God is guiding me and giving me the strength and grace to move forward.
One last word from me. Love your past, it has contributed to the person you became today. Write your story, this has helped me heal a part of my broken heart.
Do I still have the chance to get an academic qualification?
Thank you,
yours “Hope is my new name”
– narrated by “hope is my new name” – composed by Grace A.
This is one of the greatest saying that always look like the earth in my life, my teachers said the earth goes round. Jer29;11 Being the torch to a life I’ve lived. Each day as the sun rises when am on a high note I say,”This is the day that the lord has made “kneel besides my bed and be thankful not forgetting the lows have been many especially when I have given up on God but even in such a time I need him more and though it’s the time I have sinned most He still says in His word “come let us reason together even if my sins are as red as crimson he shall make me white as snow. “This words come easy now when I decide to breakdown those points in years.
CHILDHOOD
Birth is one event where only a mother can explain better so when one is told you were born on such a date you believe. October 14th 1994 I was born it was also at 10:00pm where a great heron in Karatina had gone to be with the maker. My mum says it was one of the best and worst nights for her, her boss was murdered and a daughter was born. She said my name was Eve meaning “life.”
A child grows at any one point, goes to school and that is the beginning of her life. I attended one of the best schools my parents would afford, however they could not understand why I could keep on falling and in school teachers would keep watch.
The part I can now remember pictures are still fresh even in adult hood is a part where a pastor had to have sex with me for days and I was told not to open my mouth. This went on for months and it happened in church. Forced to touch another girls parts and also my private part as he watched was one inhuman thing one could ever do to a kid.
Do rapists ever think of the future of a kid? I really got to answer to date. One Sunday morning I decided to tell my mum and the look on her face was that of a worried person. Perhaps at the back of her mind she asked herself many questions of how unprotective she had been of her daughter. This is a reaction of every parent if they would find out something bad happened to their kid without their knowledge.
I decide to be strong and told my mum am okay but in myself I still recalled the pain and I still do to date and it gets worse when a man I am with offends me and all I see of him is that image of the rapist silence helps and checking on them once in a while because I understand we are all human we will keep on offending one another.
Getting out of town to the upcountry is what my parents saw was good for me after reporting the case and the policemen would say this is a scam to make the pastor suffer and spoil his name. God gives the best justice I would say.
EDUCATION IN PRIMARY SCHOOL UPCOUNTRY
Education had to go on in the upcountry where I got very caring teachers and for the first time I knew how to write and started performing. The picture of what had happened seemed gone now. Comming from a Christian background in school I would now read for them the Bible and give people hope. I now became the one to lead choruses every morning at the assembly.
In class four I started having this phobia I would not seat next to a guy I would shake terribly. This was so uncomfortable and brought my esteem down. I now wouldn’t play for me not to see a guy but I made sure I talked when I was needed to especially where there was a crowd I was so active. This went on until I completed primary school. At this time the only form of comfort was masterbation with it I would sleep comfortably. This had developed from the act I was told to touch my private parts and this was exciting to the body despite not knowing what that was. Teachers then were not open of that again who would think a young rural kid would know something like that.
On completing class 8 there was this C.R.E teacher whom we used to give milk. This day I helped my brother take the milk. What the teacher would do was lock me in his house take a condom and now was ready to use it on me.I had never seen a condom that was the first time. Fear was written all over my face tears rolled the photo of the rapist again. My brother came to check where I was and on the knock of the door I knew I was well I went out and never turned back.
Men were cruel to me and a beast they looked. Everyman I saw except from family members they were rapists to me.
SECONDARY SCHOOL
Here life was at least to me I would not be seeing men it was me masterbation and God. Here I cried to God when I Knew what I had been doing was masterbation to help me stop. I would stop for weeks and then back when I was stressed up. I used to try fast for this to no avail. I took it to be a part of me.
I couldn’t concentrate in any lesson a man would be teaching am lucky I didn’t get an E in any of them. All this time for my four years I never talked to any guy and at a distance if I would see one I would cry why tears rolled I didn’t know to date.
I was made a prefect I say this made me not turn into lesbianism in school. God still loved me now I see despite all I had been through. I was harsh and reserved, often loved silence and would force my class to be silent even in weekends’ was not that social and mostly in self-pity when alone. I really hated myself because I knew I was not a virgin and the fact I wouldn’t quit masterbation and still wouldn’t tell no one. I was strong that’s the picture everyone and goodhearted to those who were less fortunate.
CAMPUS LIFE
This I must say was the experience I got to discover myself. A lady who was in fourth year told me I had to know how to survive. My parents opted to take me to a Christian institution so I knew I was safe owe unto me. When I went home I made sure I said for sure it was a church institution.
I turned to be the noisiest person in campus but it was a way of protecting myself from being haunted by guys. I didn’t know how to wear so I made sure I made it worse to keep them as far as I could. I was a bully to guys in my first year. Before I entered campus I had been hooked up to a guy who was so good hearted but we kept distance. Through this guy I was trying to see whether guys in campus were good. Let’s call him mr. adan, he was in his second year in University when I was doing my bridging.
He made sure our communication was okay and I would enjoy giving him stories but would never talk about me never did I want him to know my past. If any guy would try pursue me I would tell them I had a boyfriend whom I had never seen but that would put them off. I got into chatting with him so much and so we decided to meet in Nakuru during his Holidays. I wouldn’t imagine am sharing a bed with anyone but I swallowed my pride to see whether with him he would offer sex as the first thing.
He was so caring all I would enjoy was a shower with him and wouldn’t open my eyes. This made me abit secure I knew he meant no harm and I composed myself. Sleeping time was here I needed to sleep ooooh my I love sleep it should be a hobby I skip my supper to date so that I can sleep and I don’t need anyone to interrupt it. However I couldn’t sleep because there was someone by my side ,there is always delay to sleep I feel they are taking my place.
Sex with Adan didn’t happen until 3 months. I tried to know why people kept on talking about it as a pleasure not to stay in the hostels during the weekends. I asked for it this time and he would ask me whether am sure I needed it and I said yes. The main pencil would not write in the book for it couldn’t open not an inch and I would not bare this. The rapists pencil came to my mind and I asked him we sleep I preferred my fingers and this time I said masterbation is better than sex it has no pain and I feel good at the end.
I tried sleeping and wouldn’t face him I thought to myself I was not normal he looked to my face and said baiby its fine. At the middle of the night I woke him up and told him am ready to me there is no defeat. I closed my eyes and let him do it waaaah that was painful. A spot of blood he noted and he asked,” you mean you are a virgin? “This was a surprise I said yes and in my mind I asked how I could be one that rapist I think how he had done it I couldn’t be, I thought it to myself.
Now after I did sex not to lose a man it was painful but I kept silence. I couldn’t afford to loose this man he was good though humble we had a future laid out and we would see tomorrow something I have never seen with any guy I dated.
One day I had to tell him we had to part ways with no reason but I said I had cheated .Joe couldn’t hold this. He cried whenever he would hear my voice and ask me why I had to do it.
MODELLING
This was where I had to try boost my confidence a judge who was a friend was there we used to talk, visit each other with no feelings attached. This is the person I had cheated Adan on with. I didn’t know this was the start of another stressing part at first sex with him was not painful as such and that’s why I was in a hurry to leave Adan. With time this became fun until the second time we got in touch the situation was back.
I decided to stay this guy was hot every girl wanted to be with him. So naïve I now was I shed weight because I was stressed. I retain the weight that is positive though. The big body was gone and now I looked younger and now had to choose my clothing.
Phillip kept on criticizing my mode of clothing and I had to change to please him or I would lose him. Where were my bullying tactics? Why did I decide to close my eyes? For two years I treated this guy as a husband. I wanted marriage so much, is that really the same today? Nah I can say.
I thought I wouldn’t get another guy with my condition if I opened up I think I lied to myself so much. I ran away from God, at the same time if I saw someone suffer I would tell them there is a God in heaven. Stress time was for the day in the evening fingers would show me my way to sleep.
It’s with Phillip I knew the meaning of anger, Though I never smiled, I never knew getting angry as a headache and cause of no sleep at times when I couldn’t master bate because of yesterday’s pain.
I would leave Phillip by word of mouth not by action when i would hear he cheated. It was getting mental on my side as usual I wouldn’t tell him how he made me feel. Pity was there for him especially when I would hear he was hungry.
During my modelling time is where I got an accident and at this time I saw how life really ends. I wouldn’t scream, I whispered two things to God whom will Phillip be left with and who will give the street children food? God was there for me despite me leaving Him. Through my stay in hospital I got to learn I had to live with a scar. Phillip got his salary and left. I was now sick for seeing him he was gone and why at such a time.
It’s God who owns my life I listened to stories of the women who were in the ward and again the rapist was back as they said how their husbands treated them. I took it my duty to serve them whatever I could and also made sure they smiled. We had to pray I told them. After prayers I couldn’t sleep thinking what an unfair world it is to women.
I got out of hospital decided am going to model one last time to help the children. With a fresh scar I went on and did it. Phillip was not to give me a headache anymore.
Dec 2015 after a miscarriage I looked for a rebound, I was to do harm to myself but preserve myself for the children I asked God to save me for. I shaved my hair and that was me starting a new life.
Feb I met a new guy this time I told God this is the last time am trying and I tell the truth to this one and if it is painful I go and make him a second rebound. This new relationship was to be a last turning point, I decided not with this one am I masterbating or will I allow images of a rapist come to me anymore.
In my knees I fell for the first time after a long time. I took my phone wrote to pastor x a text and later texted this guy.George was his name. I got confidence that I never had. We met and started off with sex it was not painful. I can say with him for two days I gave a genuine smile but I knew we weren’t going far when communication started being one sided.
I waited for any change and remembered I got him through prayer but never retained the praying mode.
I cried when things went astray, tried praying but had no strength. Back to masterbation and old drinking buddies. This was comforting as I awaited to be told it’s over. In his house I had a hint it was over and him talking was just a song to me words I was used off and I knew it was a lie.
It’s on Sep when the words I awaited came out of his mouth. I remembered three dreadlocks in his dreams. I never felt close to God like this day. Words that would come out of my mouth are thank you. Weeks later I lost his kid whom I had decided to be silent about. I used to wake up at days of pregnancy with a Bible and just say let Gods will be done.
His going was a way to let God back to my life, I now could express myself through letters to God. I could watch one movie all through “war room”. I look at the prayers in the book and see God has been faithful.
With time I saw God was not hearing me and as back to masterbation. I made a promise to myself never to be in a relationship again. Noone would kiss my scars like Martin did, no one would make me for once not see a rapist like martin did and no one would ever hold my hand like martin did .
In my heart I decided I would make Phillip suffer like he did and with courage I did. Getting pregnant again for him and realizing the baby couldn’t live changed my life this year and silence and living right is all I would do.
THE WAIT
Worth the wait 26th seal is what I said on January. Masterbation ended slowly. God renews me each new day, I still miss George coz am human, he was just a bridge to finding me and all I give is a call.
At times I wish he came at such a time, this are just the plans of man Gods plan are always the best Singleness has been fun so far and letters to a mysterious person fill the gap of loniliness.Work has become a passion and writing a hobby as I read. Life has a new meaning for I know where I want to be. It’s never now about us it about I. Got a phobia of men still and I really escape a conversation that is about relationships, though I write letters to a mysterious person sex is not something I wanna do anymore unless God chooses another for me and this time he has to fit to celibacy, God-fearing and loving for him to live with me.
For sure it has been a journey of self-acceptance, need of patience and knowing am nothing without God.
-written by Eve-
