NEVER SAY DIE

This is one of the greatest saying that always look like the earth in my life, my teachers said the earth goes round. Jer29;11 Being the torch to a life I’ve lived. Each day as the sun rises when am on a high note I say,”This is the day that the lord has made “kneel besides my bed and be thankful not forgetting the lows have been many  especially when I have given up on God but even in such a time I need him more and though it’s the time I have sinned most He still says in His word “come let us reason together even if my sins are as red as crimson he shall make me white as snow. “This words come easy now when I decide to breakdown those points in years.

CHILDHOOD

Birth is one event where only a mother can explain better so when one is told you were born on such a date you believe. October 14^th 1994 I was born it was also at 10:00pm  where a great heron in Karatina had gone to be with the maker. My mum says it was one of the best and worst nights for her, her boss was murdered and a daughter was born. She said my name was Eve meaning “life.”

A child grows at any one point, goes to school and that is the beginning of her life. I attended one of the best schools my parents would afford, however they could not understand why I could keep on falling and in school teachers would keep watch.

The part I can now remember pictures are still fresh even in adult hood is a part where a pastor had to have sex with me for days and I was told not to open my mouth. This went on for months and it happened in church. Forced to touch another girls parts and also my private part as he watched was one inhuman thing one could ever do to a kid.

Do rapists ever think of the future of a kid? I really got to answer to date. One Sunday morning I decided to tell my mum and the look on her face was that of a worried person. Perhaps at the back of her mind she asked herself many questions of how unprotective she had been of her daughter. This is a reaction of every parent if they would find out something bad happened to their kid without their knowledge.

I decide to be strong and told my mum am okay but in myself I still recalled the pain and I still do to date and it gets worse when a man I am with offends me and all I see of him is that image of the rapist silence helps and checking on them once in a while because I understand we are all human we will keep on offending one another.

Getting out of town to the upcountry is what my parents saw was good for me after reporting the case and the policemen would say this is a scam to make the pastor suffer and spoil his name. God gives the best justice I would say.

EDUCATION IN PRIMARY SCHOOL UPCOUNTRY

Education had to go on in the upcountry where I got very caring teachers and for the first time I knew how to write and started performing. The picture of what had happened seemed gone now. Comming from a Christian background in school I would now read for them the Bible and give people hope. I now became the one to lead choruses every morning at the assembly.

In class four I started having this phobia I would not seat next to a guy I would shake terribly. This was so uncomfortable and brought my esteem down. I now wouldn’t play for me not to see a guy but I made sure I talked when I was needed to especially where there was a crowd I was so active. This went on until I completed primary school. At this time the only form of comfort was masterbation with it I would sleep comfortably. This had developed from the act I was told to touch my private parts and this was exciting to the body despite not knowing what that was. Teachers then were not open of that again who would think a young rural kid would know something like that.

On completing class 8 there was this C.R.E teacher whom we used to give milk. This day I helped my brother take the milk. What the teacher would do was lock me in his house take a condom and now was ready to use it on me.I had never seen a condom that was the first time. Fear was written all over my face tears rolled the photo of the rapist again. My brother came to check where I was and on the knock of the door I knew I was well I went out and never turned back.

Men were cruel to me and a beast they looked. Everyman I saw except from family members they were rapists to me.

SECONDARY SCHOOL

Here life was at least to me I would not be seeing men it was me masterbation and God. Here I cried to God when I Knew what I had been doing was masterbation to help me stop. I would stop for weeks and then back when I was stressed up. I used to try fast for this to no avail. I took it to be a part of me.

I couldn’t concentrate in any lesson a man would be teaching am lucky I didn’t get an E in any of them. All this time for my four years I never talked to any guy and at a distance if I would see one I would cry why tears rolled I didn’t know to date.

I was made a prefect I say this made me not turn into lesbianism in school. God still loved me now I see despite all I had been through. I was harsh and reserved, often loved silence and would force my class to be silent even in weekends’ was not that social and mostly in self-pity when alone. I really hated myself because I knew I was not a virgin and the fact I wouldn’t quit masterbation and still wouldn’t tell no one. I was strong that’s the picture everyone and goodhearted to those who were less fortunate.

CAMPUS LIFE

This I must say was the experience I got to discover myself. A lady who was in fourth year told me I had to know how to survive. My parents opted to take me to a Christian institution so I knew I was safe owe unto me. When I went home I made sure I said for sure it was a church institution.

I turned to be the noisiest person in campus but it was a way of protecting myself from being haunted by guys. I didn’t know how to wear so I made sure I made it worse to keep them as far as I could. I was a bully to guys in my first year. Before I entered campus I had been hooked up to a guy who was so good hearted but we kept distance. Through this guy I was trying to see whether guys in campus were good. Let’s call him mr. adan, he was in his second year in University when I was doing my bridging.

He made sure our communication was okay and I would enjoy giving him stories but would never talk about me never did I want him to know my past. If any guy would try pursue me I would tell them I had a boyfriend whom I had never seen but that would put them off. I got into chatting with him so much and so we decided to meet in Nakuru during his Holidays. I wouldn’t imagine am sharing a bed with anyone but I swallowed my pride to see whether with him he would offer sex as the first thing.

He was so caring all I would enjoy was a shower with him and wouldn’t open my eyes. This made me abit secure I knew he meant no harm and I composed myself. Sleeping time was here I needed to sleep ooooh my I love sleep it should be a hobby I skip my supper to date so that I can sleep and I don’t need anyone to interrupt it. However I couldn’t sleep because there was someone by my side ,there is always  delay to sleep I feel they are taking my place.

Sex with Adan didn’t happen until 3 months. I tried to know why people kept on talking about it as a pleasure not to stay in the hostels during the weekends. I asked for it this time and he would ask me whether am sure I needed it and I said yes. The main pencil would not write in the book for it couldn’t open not an inch and I would not bare this. The rapists pencil came to my mind and I asked him we sleep I preferred my fingers and this time I said masterbation is better than sex it has no pain and I feel good at the end.

I tried sleeping and wouldn’t face him I thought to myself I was not normal he looked to my face and said baiby its fine. At the middle of the night I woke him up and told him am ready to me there is no defeat. I closed my eyes and let him do it waaaah that was painful. A spot of blood he noted and he asked,” you mean you are a virgin? “This was a surprise I said yes and in my mind I asked how I could be one that rapist I think how he had done it I couldn’t be, I thought it to myself.

Now after I did sex not to lose a man it was painful but I kept silence. I couldn’t afford to loose this man he was good though humble we had a future laid out and we would see tomorrow something I have never seen with any guy I dated.

One day I had to tell him we had to part ways with no reason but I said I had cheated .Joe couldn’t hold this. He cried whenever he would hear my voice and ask me why I had to do it.

MODELLING

This was where I had to try boost my confidence a judge who was a friend was there we used to talk, visit each other with no feelings attached. This is the person I had cheated Adan on with. I didn’t know this was the start of another stressing part at first sex with him was not painful as such and that’s why I was in a hurry to leave Adan. With time this became fun until the second time we got in touch the situation was back.

I decided to stay this guy was hot every girl wanted to be with him. So naïve I now was I shed weight because I was stressed. I retain the weight that is positive though. The big body was gone and now I looked younger and now had to choose my clothing.

Phillip kept on criticizing my mode of clothing and I had to change to please him or I would lose him. Where were my bullying tactics? Why did I decide to close my eyes? For two years I treated this guy as a husband. I wanted marriage so much, is that really the same today? Nah I can say.

I thought I wouldn’t get another guy with my condition if I opened up I think I lied to myself so much. I ran away from God, at the same time if I saw someone suffer I would tell them there is a God in heaven. Stress time was for the day in the evening fingers would show me my way to sleep.

It’s with Phillip I knew the meaning of anger, Though I never smiled, I never knew getting angry as a headache and cause of no sleep at times when I couldn’t master bate because of yesterday’s pain.

I would leave Phillip by word of mouth not by action when i would hear he cheated. It was getting mental on my side as usual I wouldn’t tell him how he made me feel. Pity was there for him especially when I would hear he was hungry.

During my modelling time is where I got an accident and at this time I saw how life really ends. I wouldn’t scream, I whispered two things to God whom will Phillip be left with and who will give the street children food? God was there for me despite me leaving Him. Through my stay in hospital I got to learn I had to live with a scar. Phillip got his salary and left. I was now sick for seeing him he was gone and why at such a time.

It’s God who owns my life I listened to stories of the women who were in the ward and again the rapist was back as they said how their husbands treated them. I took it my duty to serve them whatever I could and also made sure they smiled. We had to pray I told them. After prayers I couldn’t sleep thinking what an unfair world it is to women.

I got out of hospital decided am going to model one last time to help the children. With a fresh scar I went on and did it. Phillip was not to give me a headache anymore.

Dec 2015 after a miscarriage I looked for a rebound, I was to do harm to myself but preserve myself for the children I asked God to save me for. I shaved my hair and that was me starting a new life.

Feb I met a new guy this time I told God this is the last time am trying and I tell the truth to this one and if it is painful I go and make him a second rebound. This new relationship was to be a last turning point, I decided not with this one am I masterbating or will I allow images of a rapist come to me anymore.

In my knees I fell for the first time after a long time.  I took my phone wrote to pastor x a text and later texted this guy.George was his name. I got confidence that I never had. We met and started off with sex it was not painful. I can say with him for two days I gave a genuine smile but I knew we weren’t going far when communication  started being one sided.

I waited for any change and remembered I got him through prayer but never retained the praying mode.

I cried when things went astray, tried praying but had no strength. Back to masterbation and old drinking buddies. This was comforting as I awaited to be told it’s over. In his house I had a hint it was over and him talking was just a song to me words I was used off and I knew it was a lie.

It’s on Sep when the words I awaited came out of his mouth. I remembered three dreadlocks in his dreams. I never felt close to God like this day. Words that would come out of my mouth are thank you. Weeks later I lost his kid whom I had decided to be silent about. I used to wake up at days of pregnancy with a Bible and just say let Gods will be done.

His going was a way to let God back to my life, I now could express myself through letters to God. I could watch one movie all through “war room”. I look at the prayers in the book and see God has been faithful.

With time I saw God was not hearing me and as back to masterbation. I made a promise to myself never to be in a relationship again. Noone would kiss my scars like Martin did, no one would make me for once not see a rapist like martin did and no one would ever hold my hand like martin did .

In my heart I decided I would make Phillip suffer like he did and with courage I did. Getting pregnant again for him and realizing the baby couldn’t live changed my life this year and silence and living right is all I would do.

THE WAIT

Worth the wait 26^th seal is what I said on January. Masterbation ended slowly. God renews me each new day, I still miss George coz am human, he was just a bridge to finding me and all I give is a call.

At times I wish he came at such a time, this are just the plans of man Gods plan are always the best Singleness has been fun so far and letters to a mysterious person fill the gap of loniliness.Work has become a passion and writing a hobby as I read. Life has a new meaning for I know where I want to be. It’s never now about us it about I. Got a phobia of men still and I really escape a conversation that is about relationships, though I write letters to a mysterious person sex is not something I wanna do anymore unless God chooses another for me and this time he has to fit to celibacy, God-fearing and loving for him to live with me.

For sure it has been a journey of self-acceptance, need of patience and knowing am nothing without God.

-written by Eve-